Healthy Self Esteem in Your Relationships

Are You Dating a Narcissist?

In order to recognize a narcissist, it's important to understand the difference between healthy self-esteem and narcissism.

Narcissism is the “enemy” of healthy self-esteem.

It is something that looks like the real thing, but is not. Narcissus, as many know, is the legendary Greek character who fell in love with his own image and drowned because he stared too long at his reflection in a pond of water. A narcissist is obsessed with his image and has no real sense of self.

A narcissist is someone who, usually due to childhood trauma or over-doting parents, has become obsessed with his image. He has been socialized to identify with a very judgmental social system where love is given or withheld based on external criteria. If you’re beautiful, thin and smart, you will be loved. If not, forget it.

People who grow up this way are addicted to status markers. They crave praise and attention because it validates their very existence. Without it, they do not feel alive. This is because they have no real sense of self and rely on others to feed their ego.

They are addicted to attention and crave it like a drug.

We all know people like this. They are usually the loudest person in the room or display outlandish, attention-getting behavior to get others to notice them. Narcissists are typically the center of attention and the life of the party. People are often drawn to them.

Unfortunately, if you're dating this type of person you are in for a rude awakening.

A narcissist sees his life as a movie or dramatic story in which he has the starring role. He creates a character (a.k.a. false self) based on what your likes and dislikes are in a partner and then assumes the traits and emotions of that character to lure you in. Narcissists are unable to feel empathy for anyone but themselves.

Therefore, they act out or mimic these emotions in order to convince people they are capable of real love. They do this through carefully observing and profiling others. Narcissists are great actors. They are completely disconnected from their true self and depend entirely on external validation to feel alive.

There are two types of narcissists.

The one type of narcissist is what we refer to as the cerebral or intellectual narcissist.

This type of narcissist derives validation based on their intelligence or position of power. They abuse their authority and see everyone as a pawn to be played in their quest for dominance. You see workplace and political narcissism everyday in the news.

Perfect examples are Bernie Madoff and former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich. These are cerebral or intellectual narcissists.

Then there are the sexual narcissists.

In the dating world, the trend of “hooking up” or sleeping around is perfect for narcissists of this type. The sexual narcissist flaunts his body, exhibits his muscles and brags about his physical conquests. It is important to note that women can be just as narcissistic as men.

However, studies show 75% of narcissists are male. I believe this is mainly due to the fact that men have more opportunities to be in positions of power than women. Genetics may also play a role according to recent studies.

A sexual narcissist loves to hunt and pursue women. They see women as conquests to be captured. The more attractive and unobtainable she is, the more thrilling the chase becomes for the narcissist. They look at dating like a scorecard. A narcissist will value you, not for yourself, but for how good you make him look, what he can get from you or what status you bring him.

Unfortunately, once a woman has been conquered by a narcissist, she is quickly discarded.

He loses interest. A narcissist is terrified of settling down and dreads intimacy. He is always on the lookout for something better. So that life-long bachelor, who everyone thinks nobody has been smart enough to get yet, is actually a nightmare waiting to happen -- all over you.

If you listen to your gut, you will eventually start to feel uneasy or off-balance around a narcissist. You know something is wrong, but can’t quite put your finger on it.